Fides

a quick breeze
and tshirts
in weather too cold to be
spring
to warm to be summer
a dichotomy of grace
intermixing in sheer
gratuitous perfection

the sound of little voices
and small hands holding
gleefully
processing about campus

the children
proclaim innocense
in quite community
in awe and wonder of
small things

a new face,
a bright color,
Green balloons,
the gi-normous crack
a funny man sitting
sitting on the steps,
weird pants and all.

what can bring me back?
How does one return, to something
so passing, and so long lost?

is it abandon? or discernment?
fervor or quite?
passion, compassion,
neutrality, peacefulness,
defense, offense?
something so complex...
yet again,
melding perfectly together:
a beautiful crayon
made on the stove.

Work in progress

Hmm
the day is beautiful,
yet empty inside
can I not be who I want?
is it beyond me?
perhaps this is the problem
it is...
learned humility
in the face of others
and the face of God
I can not stand
and say I am virtuous
I can not speak
and say I am good
I can not profess
purity

I am a sinner
unable to become
holy
save by asking
I am nothing
and will remain
empty
without the One.

Numbers 6:24

This is my life
He is my life,
objective Truth
which no man can change
Esse est!

Benedictum,
guide the Church,
return us to our faith,
Stalwart warrior of love.

Great hope
runs through all my life
revivifying
beliefs recently questioned
as despair grew deeper

Benedictum:
Benedicat tibi Dominus
et custodiat te!
Illuminet Dominus faciem
suam super te
et misereatur tui!
Convertat Dominus
vultum suum ad te
et det tibi pacem!

Lumen Christi

rejoicing redeems despair
the darkness of the world is lifted
in a GREAT bright light
Benedictus Benedictum

can the world really be going right?
the Cardinals really know?
really believe?
can It be real?

the past few years,
I've been beaten
torn down from my idealism
my love of faith
by those claiming to have it
been told that virtue is relativistic

relativise this:

"We are moving towards a dictatorship of relativism which does not recognize anything as certain and which has as its highest goal one's own ego and one's own desires.

"We, however, have a different measure: the Son of God, the true man. He is the measure of true humanism.

drained

my emotion drawn out and quartered
each time faster than it can regrow
emptiness inside
yet dizzyingly distracted by you
what I would give for your touch
your smile...
your warmth
just a few days ago
we laughed
now barriers seem to arise
obstacles camouflaged by the road
what happened?
from hot to cold you change
never stopping for warm
I have no more reaction to give
if that’s your game.
none… I’m emptied
tired
beaten
and almost done

was it just the fun I brought?
the joy and smile?
my singular quirkiness?
now, tired of it?
am I to be pushed aside
until I bring it back?

I’m not a machine
don’t use me
just to discard

lejos de ti

away from you,
my heart lies in jaws of gentleness
waiting for the waning sun to snuff it out

away from you,
I can't think beyond the crystal cell
enchaining me, suspending me

is this inevitable?
stalemate of our histories
yesterday attacking today
violently overthrowing hope

Are the keys tired
of conveying my heart
of reading my words
slowly being worn to dust

is tomorrow just yesterday
with a new dress?
the same sun shinning,
the same cloud
overcastting

does the clock laugh
at my looks
my pangs for you

does my gaze embarrass
my window?
I know every part of it

I don’t care
I have nothing else
to crave,
save a redemption.

what can I do
apart from you
but wait.

Paper

head aching
neck sore
my mind wasted in a seeming bore

I wish I had more time
just a little more

to finish this paper
with great score

be ingenious, original
new and poignant
create insight in darkness

this paper…
can it be the beginning
of a spark that fuels
Graduate school

or is it an interesting
foray into mental excess

combining thought,
summarizing opinions
bearing forth inquiries
perhaps unseen
perhaps trite

Am I preparing
an area of study
or merely
extending
the length and motley topics
of my writings

divided

I don't understand
the splitness

two parts of me
contending

positioning
and fighting

seeking to trump
the other
to bump
the other from me

schizophrenic ideas
my mind burning
into ashes

why can't I have both?
be both
incorporate both
into a new me?

I don't want the decision
looming about my face
about my ears and tongue

here’s a stick,
beat it for me?

decisions undecided

what's my mind doing?
my hands and arms?
my desperation
craving comfort

wanting freedom
holding my desire
craving comfort

can I really have it?
can I really be that?
what does she want?
are the cards laid bare?
or is this an illusion

what sweet words
just let go be free
yet the gravity
grabs me
and turns my head
spinning

is it so simple?
yes…
is it so easy?
no.
am I ready to be me?

what have I to lose
but my last few years
or my next

gain?
peace of mind
or some semblance

do I have to decide now?
can’t I hold on
a bit longer?

welcome home

I want to live an epic love story
not the ones on t.v.
but those that move nations
and souls alike
I want to live with nothing
left to give

to smile from within
to care for everyone
I want to be
someone, like Junior
or Theresa C.

I want my wearied
face and beaten
body to proclaim
I have given all,
and to hear that final call
"well done true and faithful one.
well done."

"you have run the race.
with harried a pace
accepting my love and grace
well done."

Without a Dove

I miss her
I do
I miss her
Her smile
And touch
Sweetness and such

I miss the joy
Showing on her face,
From a whisper
Or touch,
From me.

I miss being
The cause
Of her smile,
The end
Of her grasp
The man
Of her dreams

The sun on her cheek
Glowing
With her beauty
With her love
I miss,
All the things
I took for granted

Moments we sat
Times of silence
The sound of trickling water,
When she was around

Things are different now,
Joy doesn’t emanate from everything
As it once did…
Love doesn’t seem so sure,
Or peace so pleasurable

I miss the things
She said,
And the ways
She spoke

Yet with all this,
I miss her,
Her
For no real reason
Except she was,
Herself.

know thyself

once someone is known
how oft do you let them change?
how oft, surprised by who they are?
how oft, amazed?

do they not change, surprise, amaze?
but how much do you see?
shield not your eyes,
lest perhaps you might claim,
they change a little, but still the same.

look at yourself,
do you change little?
or little do you let free
to someone you care
some you you love
someone you wish
in some way,
you could be?

Boxes

You hear a glimpse of my pain
My past, my life.
And ponder.

Do you know me better?
Or will you know me worse?

Something now classified,
Common, accounted for, and checked off?

Or are you keen enough?
Do you see the complexity in something so common?
What would lead me? Me?
Of all people, you did not expect?
What would?

What is so deep in my heart,
That perhaps never you will taste?
Perhaps never will you know,
Never face?

What lead a man from that,
To great things?
Back to a further dark?
To a further dark, willingly?

Or am I in a box?
I feel like I am…
When people classify,
I lose myself…
I become what they decide
No longer mysterious,
No longer interesting,
Solely some predictable fiend.

Perhaps you understand?
You haven’t yet.
Perhaps you can read this and find,
The very reason why I hide?

With my long black cloak of murkiness
And my imprecise tongue,
Ambiguous thoughts.

Do you see it?
The interplay of you and me?
Of me and friends?
Of you and friends?

Can you ever not be
What people think?
Can you venture on your own
And not be limited by beliefs?

Can you be you, without me?
Or would you be as drab
As a locked wooden box?
Unable to open and peek
Without the other as a key?

Yet, still on your mental shelf…
“Why can’t he be himself?”
Why can’t he cut free?
Why won’t he just be?

Trust me

can I have you?
just your cheek?
just your arm or lip?

I promise I wont hurt…
I promise I’ll be kind…
I promise I’ll be there when you look behind

Just let me hold you?
Touch your skin
Kiss your brow
Caress your hand?

I don’t know what I’m doing…
Though I’ve done it before…
Been so long…
But don’t you want more?

You seem to enjoy my affection…
Seem to play for my tickling
Seem to covet my nearness…
My uniqueness…
My joy, humor and sweetness
You seem to want me,
But I know you don’t…

I enjoy your friendship
Your smile and time
I enjoy your presence
Near

I enjoy you.
And you are beautiful…
No matter what you say.

I can’t help it…
No one can…
Its just the way
You were made.

"her"

the silence
getting to me
eating away at the innards I see

I want the numbness to begin
I want the comfort of ,
I want to run, play, be free of
me

Walk on fire-coals
dance in the night
let my mind rest
as I live

feminine touch,
sweet, darling, venomous
engulf me.

standing shredded in the waste,
confused, but fine.

moving in stillness,
my mind touches the lips of many
past, present future.
craves the quiet embrace of pulsing hearts
the wet shoulder,
and the gentle head sobbing;
holding her.
touching her...
teasing the small neck hairs
grasping .
comfort memories

I wish I had her,
once more or ever?
I don't know.

untitled

In your arms, I wish to be
falling more and more into gravity

forget and numb my belief
whilst praying to be a thief

a destroyer of beauty and life
embroiled in personal strife

craving your skin I fall
craving your hand I fail

thought swirl

in my mind you twirl
dancing in my arms
singing sweet songs
with gentle caress

in my mind I listen
yearning for every drop
of the water you give
of the silence you share

I crave wrapping
ourselves in each other
warping ourselves to one
touching your skin
as my nose moves
aside your hair

should I die of comfort?
or live in bliss
for the moment or two
you give.

Smiling silently

sweet silence intrigues me...
seeing it I want to hear...

knowing you,
I wish I did.
your thought on my mind,
your smile reflected in mine

I wish I knew you
I wish I knew so much that I could say a word
and bring you joy

I wish I knew you, that i could see your hand
and know your thoughts.

I wish that we were one.

I wish the songs of the sun
brought tears to our eyes
together.

I wish the peace did not scare me
did not make me wonder if you silently hate me
did not make me want to hear,
"I love you" parting your lips.

I wish I could anticipate and fill all your desires
all your needs
all your hopes

but I can't
and I'm saddened.
I wish I could.

Talking

I laughed
and coyly passed the question
I laughed,
and smiled with love of her
I laughed,
and inside knew myself the coward
I laughed,
and wished she was mine

I bore it,
and my heart did not bleed
I bore it,
and found she desired no teeth
I bore it,
and smiled with love of her
I bore it,
and showed myself a boy
I bore it,
and knew she was not mine

Boy

But a boy,
all I'll ever be
seeking foolish things
in silly ways...
but a boy.

Luz Azul

the illusion shattered
a sweet dove defiled
anticipation turned inward blindness

a sad shame and a hopeless hope
desired by some,
friends for others.

ego shattered
clinging to what i have
knowing that I shouldn't base my future off of selfishness

wanting to have that which would tear me down
that would rip me from my comfort
into a den of despair

I want what is horrible for me... for her
something that will take her
take me

destroy our hope,
our life
our way

clinging to mutual selfishness
desiring more.
knowing it will never, should never occur

wanting it all the more.

But what is it?
truly I say... truly I know
it is You

but I'd rather have her.
and I'd rather have You.

Can't I have both?
though she doesn't want me, and I barely want You?

Her name was Maya

happiness,
the brief notice by a sweet angel
the assurance of time not yet passed
the whoing of flirtting interest
of quick and hidden repose

I wonder where I go
I wonder where I will follow
maya... a beautiful name that means illusion
the promise of samsara...
of flitting fires of smoke to be grasped...
an elephant born of a cow...
illusion

is that all I see
the dimensions of distraction
the falsity of my true desire
the touch of a feignt

a lure to drag me away.
a lure that frees my mind and heart, only to ensare it more
why can't life be simple...
women be sweet and darling,
men loving and courageous.

why cant the world be as it was...
why do I fail to be who I should...
fulfillment denied for abundance of grace.