Cowardice

We're all cowards
we've all have that bit of truth and light we run from
that bit that convicts us
that we arent as good as we think
that bit we want to run from
that causes us to be two people
besides ourself in darkness

she is right now
unable to face me
unable to tell me she doesnt want to be my friend
unable to admit it to herself
instead dragging my heart
into the same yo-yo abuse
I've gone through for the last year
she's a coward

I'm a coward
unable to face the changes in my life
I need.
unwilling to do what is best for me
unable to be the holy man
people think I am
unable to make the break
from her that I need
as quickly as I need
unable to love us both enough
to be mean
to say "goodbye, stop being a coward
and when you can truly care for others
give me a call."

I've always been direct and honest
she's always called it
"controlling"
but it has nothing to do with me
its a radical change from who
she is
manipulative, hidden, indirect
unable to speak out
"man-up" and brave come what may
She's never understood that
she may never
and that's why my heart
gets torn
because I expect honesty
I expect bravery
I expect someone who loves me
more than they love their cowardice.

She'll try to convince me
that she's been busy
been running back and forth
she'll lie
and make excuses for herself
she'll lie
and justify her actions
when its as simple
as cowardice.
Cowardice to tell me
"Goodbye".

Maybe I'm wrong
but I doubt it.

She'll get her friends
to believe her, to hear her side
unable to convict herself
or accept the conviction
that comes from this relationship
unable to ask others
if what I say is true
(though perhaps she does say what I say,
and it is they that are cowards,
unable to love her enough to really
convict her of her weakness.)

She'll get mad at me for posting this
and I may never be in her graces again
but I am not now
so my fear is of something already happened
that she wont love me
as much as I expect
even as much as
I expect of a friend.
Cowardice is fear.

My fear is I'll lose
her forever,
and that she's the one.
I wonder what her fear
about me is.
I'm tired of being in fear
I need to let go of it.