maybe I need to leave

I love her so much
and I have for so long

yet for so long
she's loved me much less

even when we dated
she didn't give me her heart

yet I foolishly gave mine
and I can't get it back

I can't understand
how someone can love me
for so long
and then decide to forget
how much she did
and decide to believe
she never did
I don't understand

now we're "friends"
and she treats me close to the same
as she has for more than a year
the difference is my heart
is trying to escape

but I can't tell it to run away
even though it hurts so much
it still love her
I can't even tell it to keep its distance
the cold distance she wants

I don't know what to do
maybe I need
to treat her the way she wants
but that feels so mean and cold to me
to ignore someone you've loved so long...
breaks my heart

I don't understand her...
she's stuck between loving me
and loving her friends.

She's led my heart on for so long.

Cowardice

We're all cowards
we've all have that bit of truth and light we run from
that bit that convicts us
that we arent as good as we think
that bit we want to run from
that causes us to be two people
besides ourself in darkness

she is right now
unable to face me
unable to tell me she doesnt want to be my friend
unable to admit it to herself
instead dragging my heart
into the same yo-yo abuse
I've gone through for the last year
she's a coward

I'm a coward
unable to face the changes in my life
I need.
unwilling to do what is best for me
unable to be the holy man
people think I am
unable to make the break
from her that I need
as quickly as I need
unable to love us both enough
to be mean
to say "goodbye, stop being a coward
and when you can truly care for others
give me a call."

I've always been direct and honest
she's always called it
"controlling"
but it has nothing to do with me
its a radical change from who
she is
manipulative, hidden, indirect
unable to speak out
"man-up" and brave come what may
She's never understood that
she may never
and that's why my heart
gets torn
because I expect honesty
I expect bravery
I expect someone who loves me
more than they love their cowardice.

She'll try to convince me
that she's been busy
been running back and forth
she'll lie
and make excuses for herself
she'll lie
and justify her actions
when its as simple
as cowardice.
Cowardice to tell me
"Goodbye".

Maybe I'm wrong
but I doubt it.

She'll get her friends
to believe her, to hear her side
unable to convict herself
or accept the conviction
that comes from this relationship
unable to ask others
if what I say is true
(though perhaps she does say what I say,
and it is they that are cowards,
unable to love her enough to really
convict her of her weakness.)

She'll get mad at me for posting this
and I may never be in her graces again
but I am not now
so my fear is of something already happened
that she wont love me
as much as I expect
even as much as
I expect of a friend.
Cowardice is fear.

My fear is I'll lose
her forever,
and that she's the one.
I wonder what her fear
about me is.
I'm tired of being in fear
I need to let go of it.

The Beautiful Ageless One

My lord how sweet your face!
how sweet your breath upon me
how sweet the grace sustaining.

Times like these I can't imagine
not being so close
so aware

but I also know how much it is YOU
who came to me
and not I to you

for from a distance there are many sweet faces
your's is but one amongst hundreds
and by my own heart
I would have chosen another
while dreaming of you

but how sweet is your love!
how sweet is your love!
that you choose me
and protect me from my self
from my blindness.

how sweet is your radiant beauty!
how wondrous is your closeness!
pray let me stay!

rough draft

I stand and look your way
yearning for you as I walk apart
I try turning my feet
only to turn my head

seeking you, I get lost in my own world
desiring peace I find it
and contented I dwell
only to realise I've lost what I searched for
because I have worshiped the creation,
not the creator
I try turing my feet
only to turn my head

Looking upon your Glory
I dread the day I'll fail again
and knowing my sinful desires
Its every day I dread
Yet I try to overcome them
I try to find the goods that I desire
the good of beauty or of love or of comfort
and focusing so hard
I try turing my feet
only to turn my head

In the darkness of my sin
I wadle around crying about my weakness
accepting that I fail and will always fail
deciding whether or not to care
I sit
sometimes long, sometimes for but a moment
but I sit
oppressed by the size of the mountains
overwhelmed by God's creation in me
In the emptiness of desperation
I reach out in all directions
only to be saved by you
hearing your voice
I try turing my feet
only to turn my head

In the darkness of the sweet blindness of your light
I rejoice as a child
not needing to see my way
to know You love me.
not needing anything else,
but you.

so weird

cleaning up my life of you,
taking the mementos and
giving them less prominence.

getting you out of my "life"
even though you seem already there
havent talked to you in quite a while

in what seems years and ages
thats okay... but what bitterness is in you?
what is dwelling within?

I wonder why you've always been so
so
so hateful of me
when all I've ever tried was to give you love.

I'm happy you're gone,
as the illusion of pending reciprocation
has been eliminated
and now I'm free to not care
not love
not invest in
you.

I'm free to have friends
spend time with them
free to not wait on you hand and foot
only to get your heel in my heart.

I loved you
I...
and though I can't understand you
I'm happy you're gone

you never loved me.

I just wish
that one day
you become the woman I loved
and though I do wish that woman would love me
I'll be happy if she just appears.

All those cute things in my memory...
the "I loke you"s and the way you smiled
and cuddled in my arms.
I miss them.
But they're gone...
And I'm coming to terms with it being forever...
you've already forgotten about me.
You're addicted to your new friends.