Beauty

I fight and fear
tears
rolling down my face at a pace I despise
at a place I despise
for reasons I despise
beauty astounds me...
and I want to touch,
but know how empty
how hollow... how dank
is this all there is?
all there can be?
am I a thought of an ancient resounding tree?

cold bites my ears as warmth steals my heart...
fighting for meaning
fighting for thought
I want something I can't describe and barely can sense
I want someone I can't imagine...
someone that can't exist.

my ankle hurts...
perhaps I'm going about this the wrong way?
perhaps my method is what brings the pain?
or perhaps the pain will be there regardless?

I want to pluck out my eyes and look into my mind...
cut of my head and be free...
I want to stop seeing and thinking...
so I can SEE
so I can KNOW

I want to stop being me.

Lurking.

emptiness
the vacuum of self pity
the fulfillment of ego...
why can't i feel whole...
why cant I be
the person I used to
why can't I tap the grace
from the day I first believed
why cant I be
is it all me?
am I worthless?
the thing staring at me from a mirror of my own making?
the vile creature that spits and hisses...
that cries inside.
that yells at silence to stop
that wrestles with stillness
that taints my thoughts with my desires?
why could God not make me sinless?
why do I fight
tearing falling
sleeping failing
ripping gnawing
tripping scaling
trembling
of myself...
my creation.
my Sin.
me.

I dont know

I don't know why I fail so much so quickly so fast
every moment I fail when I am good, when I am bad...
time matters not, I fail
day or darkness... I fail
my desires fail
my life fails
failure seems all I know
I don't know!
spinning moments in my mind of hopes
flash as the darkness before my hands
my very body fights with my mind
both changing sides in the middle of the fight
neither obeying the master...
a failing master failing even more.

me

what is my name...
what is my name...
I scream in my head.
what is my name...
can i have a relief pitcher?
can I have an assistant...
why must I do this alone?
why must I be my own?
can't someone else be me?
someone with courage for three?
someone who fails...
but gracefully?
why must I be me?