Beauty

I fight and fear
tears
rolling down my face at a pace I despise
at a place I despise
for reasons I despise
beauty astounds me...
and I want to touch,
but know how empty
how hollow... how dank
is this all there is?
all there can be?
am I a thought of an ancient resounding tree?

cold bites my ears as warmth steals my heart...
fighting for meaning
fighting for thought
I want something I can't describe and barely can sense
I want someone I can't imagine...
someone that can't exist.

my ankle hurts...
perhaps I'm going about this the wrong way?
perhaps my method is what brings the pain?
or perhaps the pain will be there regardless?

I want to pluck out my eyes and look into my mind...
cut of my head and be free...
I want to stop seeing and thinking...
so I can SEE
so I can KNOW

I want to stop being me.